Using tumblr is like living in a low class apartment building. You just get used to the landlord not fixing things, and then someone new moves in and you’re helpfully like “oh yeah don’t drink the tap water, it’s got stuff in it that makes you sick” and then your neighbor you’ve had forever goes “oh they took the stuff out actually” and you’re like “what? when was this?”
“like two years ago”
“you mean i could’ve been drinking the tap water all this time?”
“yeah. they gave us individual mailboxes too finally, you don’t have to dig through the communal bin anymore”
“are you for real right now?? i just redirected my mail, i didnt know”
and the new tennant is like “why did you guys even live here if it was so bad”
“we like it.”
“I kinda miss the communal mail bin tho”
“the perpetually naked guy got evicted though”
“i know, so sad. he was really gross”
“i mean, his cousin streaks through the commons sometimes and knocks on all the doors”
“oh yeah, hate that guy”
New Person: I just saw this weird guy in the lobby in a really creepy anthropomorphic Pikachu costume??????
Old Resident: yeah we have no idea where that guy came from. We’ve left messages with maintenance ‘bout ‘im but-
Other Old Resident: just don’t make eye contact and you should be fine.
“what are these strange markings in the paint?”
“Oh! Thats from the crab infestation!”
“The crab infestation?! Wow, glad they got that under control before I moved in.”
“Oh, no no, it was an intentional infestation.”
“Uh….”
“Yeah, we’re hoping they bring the crabs back next year. A lot of us made friends with those crabs.”
No, I’m not joking, he doesnt just look like him, I swear to God neil gaiman lives across the hall.
The apartment building throws holiday parties but not typical parties like for Christmas or Valentine’s day
Knives are decorating the walls for the Ides Of March.
There’s a community movie night held on October 3rd where tenants choose to watch either Mean Girls or binge watch all of Fullmetal Alchemist.
Every single apartment opens their windows and blasts Earth, Wind, and Fire on the 21st of September
November 5th rolls around and the entire building just erupts into inexplicable chaos
“What’s with the floor?”
“Color theory. Don’t worry about it.”
“Why is the cemetery across the street partially dug up?”
“Ah, yeah, there was a problem with grave robbing witches a while back.”
“Why do you do [totally normal thing] this way?”
“Oh, [totally confusing and illogical system] is how we’ve always done it.
After a cloudquake wakes George in the middle of the night, he hops onto the social media platform Twiddor in search of information. Unfortunately, instead of emergency services, all George can find are scam accounts and bots posing as the Billings news media to sell cryptocurrency. The strange part is, these are all verified accounts with an official blue checkmark.
George soon discovers that Elon Mork, the head of Twiddor, has eliminated all verified checkmarks and installed a program called Twiddor Blue, providing verification to anyone who pays for it. This chaos has prompted many to start banning every blue checkmark account they see, and George quickly joins in.
But things get strange when a crying dinosaur comes knocking on George’s door in the dead of night. It’s Elon Mork, and he’s begging George to like him.
This important tale is 4,200 words of a needy T-Rex billionaire grappling with the fact that he’s a loser and nobody likes him. There is no sex, but there is plenty of satisfying catharsis.
—-
new tingler NOT POUNDED BY TWIDDOR CHECKMARKS BECAUSE I BLOCKED EVERY PERSON WHO HAS ONE, DESPITE ELON MORK STANDING OUTSIDE MY HOUSE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT CRYING AND BEGGING ME TO JOIN TWIDDOR BLUE out now on amazon or patreon
this has always fascinated me. I first learned it about 25 years ago, and ever since, every time I see a capital letter A a tiny voice inside me goes “bull!”
Fun to see an actual scholarly version of this, because I first read it as explained (-ish) by one of Kipling’s “Just So Stories” a very, very long time ago…
And then someone posts something like this in the tags,
And I just blink.
So for more context, I’m Astrid’s “fairy” godfather, given that role at birth (hers, not mine) by her parents, I know what my goddaughter would and would not find funny, and was glad that she thought it was hilarious.
John Scalzi was making a joke. He did not feel that the post was uncalled for. You are welcome to ask him, if you need more context.
(I’m not sure what the state of her parents’ marriage at that time has to do with this, and would gently suggest that it might perhaps be none of the poster’s business.)
